Cellphones and Communication

"When the eyes say one thing, and the tongue another, a practiced man relies on the language of the first." --Ralph Waldo Emerson

A woman texting in the therapist’s waiting room, laughed, said: “How did we communicate before cellphones were created?”

I looked up from my cellphone. I was playing solitaire; my high-tech way of avoiding contact with strangers and being unproductive. She and I were the only people in waiting room. It was empty of other hominids. I assumed I was the target of opportunity for her question, for downloading angst.  The walls were covered with the generic watercolors I’ve seen in other therapists offices. Six-foot long, dried, Agave stalks--in a Mexican clay pot--were clearly habitat for generations of spiders. Perhaps the stems had been residents long enough to see primordial arachnids die off or evolve into new and yet unclassified species. How many pheromones of anguish, self-loathing, fear--cooked out of human bodies waiting for therapy--had adhered to the Agave? 

I played one more solitaire card then looked up at her. She was texting. 

“My life was much simpler before cell phones. I got along quite well.” I said. “And, by the way, cellphones weren’t created. They were invented.”

She didn’t look up at me, but laughed. Was her laughter condescending? Derision? I tried to see her face to see if I should feel insulted, maybe emasculated.

“Have you seen the videos of cats falling off of chairs?” She said, holding up her cellphone, from across the room, so I could see the screen of her phone. She wasn’t looking at me; she was looking, apparently, at the back of her phone. Would she have texted her message instead of talking if she had my number; maybe reposted the video on her Facebook page and tagged me; asked me to friend her: Tweeted?

Communication between people has always puzzled me. Face to face communication is complex and difficult because what we observe in body language, right or wrong, over-rides what we hear. And what we hear is most often what we choose to hear not what is factual. The research is robust. Those data show that of the two message beacons--body language or words--it is our facial expressions and body twitches that tell more of the truth then what spills from our mouths. 

Leonard Mlodinow, wrote in Subliminal-How Your Unconscious Mind Rules Your Behavior: “Nonverbal communication forms a social language that is in many ways richer and more fundamental than our words."

I prefer to meet people face to face when I want or feel the need to discuss anything with depth, personal feelings, or crazy ideas. And I prefer to visit at lunch or coffee, instead of via the phone. Was it that I had been born and raised into a family that avoided modern conveniences and shunned contact with other humans, I asked my therapist? He responded with one of his two pat answers: “What do you think?” Or: “How does that make you feel?”

‘It makes me feel uncomfortable, anxious, when I can’t see their faces.’ I thought but did not share.

I grew up playing poker and other card games of chance and have always loved the challenge. Board games, except chess or backgammon, I found boring; probably because I’m ADHD. A friend suggested I try on-line poker. I was a decent poker player in furtive pick-up games I played in basements or back rooms of warehouses or in my home town livestock slaughter house, in a room that smelled of bovine fear and animal shit. I went on-line, tried it. I failed miserably. It made me anxious that I couldn’t see the faces of the other players.

The woman at the therapist’s office seemed, at first, I thought, to be reaching out to me in an unconscious attempt to communicate, to share, to contact the only other human in the room. Maybe she was feeling panic and needed one last touch of humanity about disclosing phobias, desires, feelings described in the DSM. Or she was fishing to see if I was more messed up then she was. Doctor’s waiting rooms, especially of those who muck around in our psych, are painted with anxiety so maybe she wanted the reassurance of talking to someone of her species or to see if I was more messed up then she thought she was. But when I looked at her face I saw that she was talking to herself; verbalizing a thought.

If she had been asked to identify me she might have been able to describe the Agave stalks but not my face. When she looked towards me she didn’t look at my face. Her eyes focused above my head on the watercolor behind me. It was a woodland scene I thought I had seen in another doctor’s waiting room.

Communication (noun): Merriam Webster

1:  an act or instance of transmitting

2a :  information transmitted or  b :  a verbal or written message

3a :  a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior <the function of pheromones in insect communication>; also :  exchange of information b :  personal rapport <a lack of communication between old and young persons>

4plural a :  a system (as of telephones) for transmitting or exchanging information b :  a system of routes for moving troops, supplies, and vehicles c :  personnel engaged in transmitting or exchanging information

5plural but sing or plural in constr a :  a technique for expressing ideas effectively (as in speech)b :  the technology of the transmission of information (as by print or telecommunication)

Technology has launched our species into an electronic parallel universe exponentially more immediate and common, but complex, compared to what it was a couple of decades ago. Few people, in the first and second worlds, do not have a cellphone. My oldest grand daughter, six years old, told me she would get her own phone when she started to walk to first grade next year! Sharing information, around much of the world is almost instantaneous. Yet, one only has to get on a rail or bus transit system or walk down the street of any metropolitan area, to see the electronic isolation that we practice; use to insulate ourselves from personal contact, face-to-face dialogue, or commitment to human interaction. Calling any of the children in our family and expecting them to answer is mostly an exercise in futility. Texting is a bit better but the electronic media that I use to find out what's happening in their lives is Facebook or other social media. Some live a few blocks or a few miles away!

"We're losing social skills, the human interaction skills, how to read a person's mood, to read their body language, how to be patient until the moment is right to make or press a point. Too much exclusive use of electronic information dehumanizes what is a very, very important part of community life and living together."   Cardinal Vincent Nichols former Archbishop of Westminster 

I have conducted many inter-office mediations, between peers, that I call "Cubical Wars." Depending on the mood of the e-mail sender and/or the receiver, the message has a reasonable probability of being misinterpreted. The fall-out is that the sender and receiver begin--after one misinterprets an e-mail or sends one that could be considered regrettable, in a moment of spite or anger--an escalation of ever increasingly vehement e-mails. And, as it is with most interpersonal conflict, the "combatants" start enlistment among their friends until two distinct camps (armies) are established. Most often a simple misunderstanding or misinterpretation of words, e-mails, etc.--in the absence of asking questions of clarification--becomes toxic, escalates to an emotional nuclear war.

Friendships, often long-term relationships, are foreclosed simply because one of the injured parties didn't lean over the cubicle wall and ask: "I'm not sure I understood your email, but it made me feel bad. Did I misunderstand it?" If asked, the response, if the relationship has been close and of value: "Really? That's not what I thought I had said. Wow, I'm sorry but this is what I wanted to say. . . . ." 

Phone text messaging has replace e-mails as the delivery of inter-personal communication. The fall-out is quicker and the toxicity is usually more permanent. 

"What troubles me is the Internet and the electronic technology revolution. Shyness is fueled in part by so many people spending huge amounts of time alone, isolated on e-mail, in chat rooms, which reduces their face-to-face contact with other people." Philip Zimbard--Psychologist and professor emeritus--Stanford University.

At a family event this weekend, we ordered take-away dinner and sat around our kitchen table eating, laughing, sharing stories. But I noticed that if a cellphone buzzed or if there was a lull in the conversation, everyone reached for their phone and began to text, check messages, and even look at You-Tube videos! Did I check my phone? Yes, I did! Why? Was I expecting an important text  message or phone call late Sunday evening? No!

And I have to confess that the cellphone and other electronic media have brought a certain depth and texture to my life that I could never have imagined growing up in a family that refused to own a phone, or even have running water and electricity. I love the immediate access to information--albeit in need of serious fact-checking--and the capability of immediate communication, if, the other party picks up!

Had the woman in the doctor’s waiting room and I shared more information, about her texts or the videos she was watching, perhaps we would have been communicating. The only message I got from her, wasn’t verbal, it was her body language. She appeared to be nervous, anxious, maybe worried that I might force a conversation or worse be interested in what she thought. Her words seemed more preemptive--a verbal wall--than an invitation to discuss the evolution of the cellphone and its impact on human cultures. Rather than risk human contact or interaction, perhaps dialogue, I looked down at my cellphone solitaire game, played another card, and hoped my therapist would open the door and say: “A.J. Pass through.”